Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Top 50 Reasons We're Leaving San Francisco (or: Why San Francisco Really, REALLY Sucks)

1. The weather. Oh, God, the weather.

2. The bums (let's stop calling them "homeless," or "differently housed," or whatever pithy PC euphemism is in vogue, and call them what the vast majority of them are).

3. The litter/grime/dirt.

4. The rudeness.

5. The drivers.

6. The lack of concern San Franciscans show for the general condition of their city - graffiti, garbage, dead and dying trees and plants, bum filth everywhere, etc. etc.

7. The proliferation of street fairs and parades that turn into excuses for overweight/fat/old people to get naked in public and grind.

8. The cost of living.

9. The condition of the streets. Seriously, the city's streets make some third world countries look good.

10. MUNI. 'Nuff said.

11. The amateurish, self-indulgent, and often downright infantile efforts that pass for local music, art and theater.

12. Having to answer "where did you go to school" 20 times at every social gathering.

13. The local bar scene, which consists of 1) loud, dirty hipster hangouts, 2) yuppie trolling grounds, and 3) gay bars.

14. The dearth of smiles (or even moderately friendly faces) every single day.

15. $6/hour parking meters.

16. The absence of trees.

17. The unearned attitude of moral superiority.

18. The restaurants. San Francisco is supposedly a great mecca of modern California cuisine. But I'm done paying $150 for mac and cheese and tuna tartar.

19. The Tenderloin.

20. The Board of Supervisors.

21. Gavin Newsom (I know he's not mayor anymore, but his stench still permeates the city).

22. The utter lack of joy.

23. People openly crapping/pissing/puking in the street.

24. The Castro (because, as a gay friend once said, "it's impossible to be 'normal gay' in this town. You have to be some flamboyant asshole or a slut to get any attention.").

25. Critical Mass.

26. Bikers in general (they suck so much I figured they deserve two entries).

27. The lack of anything approaching political balance, or even open-mindedness.

28. The collective chip the city has on its shoulder because it's not New York/Chicago/Los Angeles.

29. The way the local news focuses every national and international event on San Francisco (my favorite example was when the Chronicle dug up the second cousin of one of the Navy SEALs who took down bin Laden, and ran it as a cover story on sfgate).

30. Mark Morford.

31. The "I'm a special little snowflake" attitude.

32. Constant one-upmanship.

33. BART. Two words: fabric seats.

34. The politicization of absolutely everything.

35. "Progressives." Which means well-off people smoking a bunch of weed, putting on a che guevara t-shirt, and going to a Mission bar for a meet up where absolutely nothing gets accomplished.

36. The embarrassingly bad local media, from the Chron on down.

37. The utter absence of a sense of humor about the city (never refer to the city as "Frisco" in front of someone who lives here (even if they just moved here three weeks ago after finishing their B.A. in Postmodern French Surrender Methods at Brown)).

38. The constant, endless comparisons to other cities, and why San Francisco is superior.

39 The constant, endless sucking of New York's dick.

40. Uniformed but passionate disdain for "the Midwest," "the South," and, of course, "Texas."

41. People judging each other based on the clothes they're wearing (try going to a Mission bar in a suit, or dressing a little indie in a Marina bar).

42. The haughtiness and intolerance of San Franciscans towards one another: Marina people hate the Mission, Mission folks hate Pacific Heights, everyone hates SOMA, and everyone's afraid of Bayview/Hunters Point.

43. Racial balkanization.

44. Fisherman's Wharf.

45. Nights of barhopping that invariably degrade into a debate over which spot is "the best."

46. Restaurants close at 10:00.

47. No delivery.

48. $35 pizzas.

49. Celebrity chefs.

50. Cable cars. There, I said it. They're loud, they clog up rush hour traffic, and only tourists ride them.